Fantasy Publishing Mergers

Courtney Maum

In a world where the mighty join forces with the mightier. In an empire where everything you believe in is fading away. During a time when her own book is out with the gatekeepers, one unpublished author will risk absolutely nothing to present a fantasy league of publishing mergers in which hope has no limitations, and humor saves the day.

FabJob + Bic® for Her: This Calgary-based publisher of career books joins the world’s only producer of feminine pens to produce a pastel line of waterproofed quote books for inspirational “me-time” in the bath!

The Wizard of Rove

Aladdin Paperbacks + Karl Rove: Political self-help books for people who believe in magic!

Everyman’s Library + Mainstream Publishing: This is the place to send that two hundred thousand-word history of Fabrication and Manufacturing Processes that Pop-Pop’s been working on.

Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory Press  + Wes Anderson: The Woodbury, NY-based publisher of conference proceedings, monographs and technical manuals merges with the American film director to put out a limited edition line of decorative sundials that are also birdbaths.

Black and White Publishing + Staples Office Supplies: This new trade publisher is full of surprises—everything costs three times what it should!

Four Walls Eight Windows + The Butner Federal Correctional Complex: Formerly a political publisher of provocative work by the likes of Allen Ginsberg and Gordon Lish, “4W8W Made-Off” will henceforth dedicate itself exclusively to the non-fiction of Butner’s celebrity inmate, #6127-054.

Graywolf Press + Sad Keanu Reeves: Niche publisher of celebrity haikus.

Felony & Mayhem + Huy Fong Sriracha Sauce + Dogfish Head Craft Brewed Ales : Finally! An artisanal line of chili beer with flash fiction on the labels!

Ellora’s Cave + Yankee Candle: Dedicated to the publication of unedited memoirs written in the stream of consciousness narrative mode from the second person point of view, this merger will see the release of olfactive-titles that literally smell like failure.

Do I not feel, poetry?

HarperCollins + Johnny Depp: Just kidding. That’s nuts.

G-Unit Books + Babeland: Rapper 50 Cent joins the female-owned purveyor of erotic toys to create a line of gun-shaped, vibrating e-books.

Virgin Books + Hellman’s Mayonaise: “Bring out the Branson, Bring out the Best!”™

Richard Nash’s Red Lemonade + Spotify: Details about this books-on-tape streaming service are still forthcoming, but its tagline has been leaked. “We look better. We sound better. F*** off.”

Wrecking Ball Press + the maker of this Angry Bird Sweater on Etsy: Poorly crafted satirical outwear for the masses!

Bravo + Amazon: “Publishing isn’t dead—you are!” is a live performance show in which an editorial board gives first-time authors ninety seconds to read from their debut novels before deciding whether to publish them or subject them to the “Blowdown Round” in which as assistant editor shoots 3-inch, poison-tipped rejection letters at them out of blow darts.

Tin House Books + Tulane University: The condiment-loving independent book publisher teams up with the English Department of Crescent City to produce a limited edition of hot sauces inspired by the work of contemporary American writers. The launch product, coming in February, will be a lime and cilantro blend called “Donna Tartttt.”

The humor columnist behind Electric Literature’s “Celebrity Book Review,” Courtney Maum is a frequent contributor here at Tin House, and sometimes we lend her out to The Rumpus and Bomb. You can find more of her work on or on Twitter at @cmaum.